Skiing For Dummies

 
If you do not know how to ski, then you have reached the right place. This article contains in the simplest of terms, the most comprehensive guide to skiing for a newbie.
1) If you do not know how to ski, then forget about it. This sport is not for you. You are either born with that talent or you are not. You cannot learn it. Don't even think about it. And yeah, this guide wont help you one  bit.
2) Now that you are not willing to listen to me, I can't help it. You've asked for it. Once you have decided to ski and drive down to the ski resort, do not realise after you have reached the resort, that you are not appropriately dressed. Basic Winter Clothing. Snow = Wet = Cold != Comfort. This is all the more important for novices like you since you shall spend more time rolling in the snow than skiing.
3) Once you reach the resort, there shall be a few people who will fleece you off a lot money and then  give you a pair of ski boots, skis and poles . Do not believe these guys. Run away. Go Home.
4) I don't like you anymore. How dare you reach till here? Ok. I wont curse you anymore. Once you are geared, you will go to the slopey snowy hilly thing. You will be joined by a team of self proclaimed experts, who will try to impart their inborn talent to you. But credit should be given to them; they really try their best.
5) But they teach you something. Something like, how to stop.  In their parlance, its called a wedge, that is , pushing your heels sideways with  your toes point towards each other. Don't even try this. It is the sole reason for you to spend more time in the snow than on the snow. But you will spend  more time in the snow than on the snow. Why? Because you don't listen to me.
6) If this does not make you give up this skiing experiment, nothing will. There is a phenomenon called 2 year olds. All 2 year olds in the vicinity of a ski resort. These kids are the kids I was talking about at start. Talent. Birth.Yeah, that very fact. These kids will make you realise that. They kick your ass at this skiing thingy. They will ski straight, turn , wedge, ski in reverse, on one leg, on no legs. You name it, they'll do it. And when you are lying with your face buried in the snow, they will come upto you and say " It's okay. Even I fell on my first time." And yeah , they dont know how to speak.
7) Quit, while you are ahead. I mean at the end of the slopey snowy hill. Because to come back to the top , you are to use the open tramway. This thing gets you back to the top of the hill. There are two  problems. One. You are dangling in the air with all that equipment on you with no support, no safety measures emplo
yed. Two. Are you mad? You wanna go through that hell all over again ?
 
If you did not listen to any of the aforementioned words of wisdom, and actually went to a ski resort, fully dressed, pay and get the equipment, learn the lessons properly, fall a lot but still get it right after a lot of practice, laugh at yourself, take those  multiple trips over the precarious tramway, ski your heart out and really take a liking to the whole idea, then do not make this trip on the last day of ski season. I really mean it.